Friday 30th January

About once every six months since my child was diagnosed with asthma, I have had a telephone conversation that goes something like this:

Them: Hello, Mmmmmh Mmmmmh Surgery.

Me: (taking great care to avoid the phrase 'repeat prescription' as it seems to send them into some kind of wild frenzy) Hello, I need to get another blue asthma inhaler for my son.

Them: (gleefully) Ooo, we don't do repeat prescriptions over the phone!

(pause)

Me: Okay.

(pause)

Me: So, do I need to make an appointment for him or... take him to the hospital or... (trying to think of the other different hoops I have jumped through in the past to get inhalers - it's a new one everytime)

Them: You can just pop into the surgery and fill in a repeat prescription form.

Me: Oh! Really? That's it?

Them: Yes. Can I just take your son's name and date of birth please?

Me: Yes, it's Mmmmmmmmmh and he was born on the mmmmmh of mmmmmh.

Them: Okay. (clicking sound) Oooh. Hang on. When did he last have an asthma review?

Me: (confused about how the information on their computer system works) Um, I don't know. I'll just look it up, I think it was, no, that's this year's calendar so it's not...erm, I know it was in the last term at school.

Them: Well, it says he was down to have an appointment in September but there's no notes on the system from it.

Me: Yes, September. He definately went to it.

Them: But there's no notes on the system.

Me: Right.

(pause)

Me: Sooo...

(pause)

Me: (trying to make helpful suggestions) Then does he need another asthma review before he can get an inhaler?

Them: (laughing at my ludicrous statement) Oh no. Just wait a moment, I'll go and contact a doctor.

(atmospheric music is pumped into my ears)

(long wait)

(my head starts to nod)

Them: Hello?

Me: Wha...?

Them: I can't find a doctor.

Me: (wondering who those people sitting in the twenty different consulting rooms really are) Right.

(long pause)

Me: Soooo......

Them: I'm not sure what to do.

Me: That's very apparent Ok. Shall I ring back later?

Them: No. I think I'll put a note on the system.

(sound of typing)

Me: Ok. Thankyou. But...what do I do?

Them: (stunned at my lack of knowledge about the secret system) You wait till after four o'clock then ring back.

Me: Right. So that would be ringing back later then. Who do I speak to when I ring back?

Them: Well, my name is Mmmmmmmh.

Me: Right. So I'll ask for you?

Them: Oh no, I don't work after 2.00pm.

Me: Wha...? I... (muffled sound of sobbing) So what do I do when I ring back after four o'clock?

Them: (as if speaking to a small child) The doctor will have signed off a repeat prescription form for you. You ring to check it's available, then you wait two working days and come and pick it up.

Me: (weary but victorious) So I can have my son's blood from a stone inhaler at the beginning of next week?

Them: Yes.

Me: Wonderful. Thankyou. I'm going for a lie down now. Goodbye.

It's not that I think all people who work as doctor's receptionists are deliberately awkward - two members of my own family are members of the noble profession. It's just that the ones who work at our local one always seem to think that I understand the system better than they do. Which may be true, but not what you expect when you ring up for help with something.

I think one day I'm going to ring and ask for them to perform a triple heart by-pass operation over the phone and see if it stumps them any less than a simple but life-saving repeat prescription.